I Never
by Oishii Ryouma
Summary: Only the lucky get their fairytales... OishiiRyouma OOC to a certain degree.


Author's Note: This story I guess could be called therapeutic. Yes, I am part of a group of friends, and we're each "named" after one of the Seigaku Tennis Team Members. I'm Ryouma, and this is about Oishii. Whom I've loved for two years now, and who's as straight as a ruler. So this is really just a sad little attempt to get her out of my system. Because only the lucky get their fairytales, and the rest just get "Hamlet" (written by Shakespeare and quoted in this fic). BTW, the song that Oishii quotes is "I'll Follow You into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie I believe. On that note, I own nothing but the plot. I just enjoy torturing bishonen for non-profit entertainment. Constructive criticism please. Any flames will be mercilessly laughed at and picked over by my room-mate and I. So on with the fic!

_Italics_ Ryouma

**Bold** Oishii

Normal Both/Story Format

I never… I never… I never…

_I never said "Thanks for caring enough about me to worry about…" whatever you were worrying about at the current moment. I never called you a friend. I never said how the sight of your face was enough to make my whole day. I came to morning practices, just to see your smile. I hung around just to provoke you into conversation. But I could never bring myself to really talk to you, did you notice? Probably not. I was just the spoiled little kid after all, right? The genius with the chip on his shoulder. But maybe you did notice. You're too nice not too. Of course, on a team full of prodigies, why should I stand out? But I always hoped I did. Especially to you. Only to you. When did tennis stop being about my dad? When did it start being about winning your praise… your admiration… your love?_

**I never reached out to you. Not like I did Tezuka or Momoshiro. I never bothered to check wither or not you had friends outside of tennis. I never told you how worried I was for you. I would go through the day discreetly keeping an eye on you. I tried to single you out as much as possible at practice just to talk to you. But you always seemed to be pulling back. You knew. Didn't you? You knew what a freak I was. What a coward. Right? You withheld your friendship because you knew I would shame it… corrupt it right? I hope you didn't. I hope I was just a senpai to you, and a good one. Because if I actually won your love… it would kill me.**

_Do you remember the night we won nationals? We were so drunk. And Fuji wanted to play a kissing game. You know it was just to make out with Kaidou right? Oh god… and I went outside. And you were there. By the fire pit, remember? You were so beautiful in the light… so warm. We cuddled for hours, just talking. _

**I'll always regret that night. When you came out, I pretended it was to find me. And the way we spent hours telling each other every nuance about ourselves… and then watching that movie afterwards. But you can't call it watching a movie when it was only there for courtesy noise. And you were my first… my only… and I was so drunk that it meant shit to you.**

_I had no regrets you know… after that night. No, that's a lie. I regretted the shame in your eyes. The disgust. How could another boy possibly want you? After all, that's a sin. _

**I cried for hours before you woke up. I had tried so hard to tell you all year that I loved you… that I wanted to try and make it to forever with you. And I had just ruined any chance of that. After all, it was just drunken fooling around to you.**

_I stayed away after that night. Stayed away from you. Because that's what you wanted right? You wouldn't want someone so absolutely disgusting in your life. So I left. I ran away to America. And I stopped playing tennis. Because every ball became your face and I just couldn't bear to hurt you any more_.

**I went through High School being the perfect student. And got into a really good medical school. I even studied aboard in Germany. But it was all worthless. You couldn't even stand to be in the same country as me… could you. I don't blame you. After all, I took advantage of you, corrupted you. Ryo', did you know that I kept a racket of your's? Stole it from the locker room to be honest. It hangs over the left side of the bed… your side.**

_I heard that you and Kikamaru had moved in together a few years back. And for all my hatred of him, I could only be happy for you. I cried silently into the phone as Inui told me, but as my heart shattered I couldn't help but feel the most perfect joy. For all my pain… I could be happy for your happiness. And that's when I knew you were the only one I would ever love. I officially died that day._

**Kikamaru moved in about three years ago. We kept it a secret, but it was because I had started to drink… and honestly I was in bad shape. But I'm ok now. No more trying to escape from reality. After all, this reality that I've crafted for myself is my punishment. My punishment for losing you. Everyone thinks I'm asexual now, did you know that? And that suits me fine. I'm the doting uncle to the young Tezuka clan. And you know what? Ryouma is my favorite.**

_I've lived like a dead man for three years. Three years Suuichiro. But don't get me wrong. No one suspected a thing. I still laughed, talked on the phone with all the old friends, went to family reunions. I smiled in everyone's face, and they never bothered to take off the mask. But you would have… I know it. You would have punched me for being selfish… screamed at me over the pills… cried over the scars… kissed away the sins… and sheltered me from the demons. I know you would have. Because you did that night. That night… in your arms… I was just Ryouma. Not the prodigy, not the brat, not anything. Just Ryouma. Your Ryouma. I can't make myself believe that those words were a lie. _

**Inui called last week. But that's his job. Calling everybody, arranging the get togethers. Like now. He made sure we were all here today. To say goodbye. Jesus Christ Ryouma! You were 23 years old! Your whole life was ahead of you… and now what? What happens to me now? There had always been hope that the next reunion… the next tennis game… the next practice… I would tell you. I would stop being such a coward. I would pull you close – in front of God and everyone! – and kiss you for all I was worth. Kiss you like you deserved. Kiss you like you were the most precious, beautiful, loved human being on this earth. And you were. In my eyes… you were. I'm sitting here numb, on the pew. Your father is in the front row. Momoshiro is holding his hand. So is Taka. They've both been so wonderful, helping out Nanjiro. Kikamaru is sobbing beside me, clinging to Inui like his life depended on it. And maybe it does. Fuji hasn't let Kaidou out of his sight once today, and Tezuka keeps clenching his jaw, his fists reflexively curling every once in a while. If you were alive, he'd kill you. And me… I'm just numb. My heart stopped the moment the words left Inui's lips. And it hasn't started since.**

_It wasn't cold as I drank the poison. But then, I had been consuming increasing amounts of it for months now. That night was just the final dose. Butting sitting next to you, I feel numb. The pain radiates off of you like waves, and I don't know why. I lived for eleven years with the hope that you might look back at me, and you never did. And now you gaze at my body like it was the last good thing on earth. But how can you? Silent tears fall on my folded hands. I was impure, I hurt you. I took advantage of you just to live out my sick fantasies. And I've had to live with that shame, that guilt, that loss for eleven years. So why do you look like your whole world is in that coffin? Why do you look more dead then me? I reach out and run my fingers through your hair. You don't feel me, you don't even flinch. And I cry harder because I'll never feel you again, even though the memory of you has been imprinted in my body ever since that night. How your soft your skin is. How silky your hair is. How beautiful your hazel eyes are when you stare relentlessly into mine, not letting me go and forcing me to see all the emotions inside of you, even when they seem so passionate that they will consume me whole. And I couldn't care less. I have burned, trapped in your gaze for years. And that is the only way I would have it. But I have to go now love. If… If I ever meant anything to you, let me live in that little corner of your heart that I so desperately wish is there. Let me stay an twelve year old boy to you, with a chip on his shoulder to balance out the tennis racket. But let me be me. Let me be the Ryouma I only showed to you. Let me smile for you, and rest my head on your shoulder. Let me kiss you away the tears, and hold you when you're happy. Let me stay with the fourteen year old Suuichiro who has to be in there somewhere. Because that's the only way this world will let us be together. _

**My feet are pounding on the sidewalk. I'm running. Branches claw at my face, rain pounds down on my head, and the sidewalk has a longstanding grudge to pay. Sprawled out on the sidewalk, I focus on the blood trickling down my face. I must be such a sight, a grown man crying on the ground, bleeding, not caring about how he's ruining his best suit. And I don't care. This suit… this life… even growing my hair out of that hideous bowl cut… it's all based on some half-baked notion that you might approve of it. But no… you had to go and die. HOW COULD YOU BE SO FUCKING SELFISH RYOUMA! Didn't you see those tears? Didn't you see how badly they're hurting? How badly I'm hurting? Don't you care? I get up and haul myself back to my car, not giving a damn about my tears or the blood. Flopping down in the seat, I turn on the heater and close my eyes. And there you are. Not like when we first met… like you were in that casket. But not… you're happy. My mind wanders back to the old day dream I've been nursing all of these years. The one where I had the guts to tell you everything I felt for you. And you felt the same. We would have a house… not too big. With dogs. And maybe a cat. And you're at the kitchen table helping our daughter with her math homework. Even though you suck at math. And your smile is the most beautiful thing in the world as you say "Welcome Home". But I won't have that now. Neither of us will. And as I reach down to start the car, there you are. Right there in the shot gun seat. Looking so real I could touch you.**

"Hello Oishii."

"Hello Ryouma."

The two men stared at each other.

"Ryo'… you bitch."

A tired smile.

"I know. And I'm sorry."

"So you realize that you just gave us a giant 'fuck you' in there?"

"Yeah. I do." A cold reached over and caressed Oishii's cheek.

"But how?"

"You've been living like a dead man. So have I."

"So you don't regret it."

"No."

"Can I ask why?"

"Hamlet needs his Ophelia."

Hamlet… Oishii hadn't thought about that play in years. Back in High School, it had been his favorite. He had written hundreds of essays about the unrequited love between them. Come to think of it, he had even played Hamlet during one of Inui's "bonding sessions. And Ryouma had been…

"Ophelia."

"Don't tell me Inui put "Sweets for the Sweet" on my tombstone."

"No… but I wish he had."

"That's just cruel 'Chiro."

"I've always been cruel."

"No… no you haven't. I've just been petty and selfish. You know me, always has to be the center of attention."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

A flinch, as if the words were a physical hit.

"But you said…"

"What Ryo'! What did I say?"

"That it was impossible to love me."

"And that's what makes loving you so worth while."

Calculating glares.

"You lied. For almost twelve years you lied."

"You ran away. You were always running away."

An eerie hush in the car. The rain created a curtain from the outside world.

"Echizen Ryouma… I never told you-"

"That I loved you?"

"Yeah."

"Oishii Suuichiro, tell me the truth. If… if WE hadn't been such cowards… where would we be now?"

"House. Dogs. Little girl. You would look adorable in a pink frilly apron."

"And you would have been my night in shining amour?"

Oishii leaned over and cupped the back of Ryouma's head.

"Ride with me baby."

Ryouma shivered and leaned closer.

"All right. What have I got to lose?"

The Toyota streaked through the rain. Inside, Ryouma curled against Oishii's shoulder as sure hands masterfully steered the car while holding him close.

"You'd think after twelve years we'd have something more interesting to say."

"C'mon honey, we've got to make-up for lost time."

Oishii pressed a gentle kiss into Ryouma's hair.

"I guess so. Ryo', does it hurt to die?"

Green eyes riveted to hazel. Fear and hope warred with each other as pale fingers tangled into dark hair.

"You don't mean that. You can't…"

"If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, and illuminate the 'No's' on their vacancies signs. If there's no one else beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the Dark."

"Oh God… Suuichiro…"

"Ride with me Ryouma."

"'Chiro there's no where to go. That's the cliffs."

"Ride with me baby."

"'Chiro…"

"Ryo', listen. We… we screwed up. But we can make up for it. We just…"

"Jump off a cliff."

"More like drive."

"What about Kikamaru?"

"He has Inui."

"You're serious."

"Yeah. I am. And maybe we'll get a second chance."

"Well, I've always wanted to fly."

The car lurched forward. Climbing onto his lap, Ryouma buried his head in Oishii's shoulder.

Twelve years of denial. Of pain. And they fit together perfectly. Ryouma's lips were soft… cold.. And that moment of floating and drowning was were they belonged.

_Hey… wait up!_

**Hey you! You're early.**

_Yeah… I am. Listen… I know you're moving and all… and there's something I need to say. And this would be the perfect time to say. Because after this, you choose wither or not you want to see me again. And if you don't, that's cool too. But promise you won't hate me._

**I promise… what is it?**

_I.. I…_

_I never told you that I loved you._

**I never told you that I loved you.**

God… don't let them fuck up too.


End file.
